it is March 2016. my last entry was in 2014. how time flies when you are having fun. having fun? who...me? yeah there were some fun...if you really look for it.
i was busy with work for the past 2 years. new boss with new ideas and new approaches and of coz, new and different expectations. enjoyed the challenges given to me. im blessed with a supportive and energetic team, an understanding family (although there were many complaints and rants along the way, but an understanding loved ones. coz mama had to work....love you to bits).
i have been neglecting this space too long. just cant find the passion. shelving it not shutting it down though...
will continue to jot down my entries here. will make it a point to do that as often as i can. who knows, when im old and getting senile...this wd be a good reference point for me (if i can still remember the password...)
oh btw, arif will turn 12 this year... will sit for his UPSR in september (i think). haih...still trying to make him do his homework on daily basis. so much to share about him. he is now taller that Marsya...(my dotter....his elder sister...you know...).
Marsya is in UiTM Alor Gajah studying mass comm. Atikah is in Shah Alam continuing her degree. yeah...in mass comm too. Afiq...is a salaried man...with flexi working hours...working for a company in subang jaya. Still passionate with hip hop music and performs with his crew on the side line. has his own tshirt label 'Top Notch'. the father of my children.... is well with occasional hiccups here and there (health wise) and ever so supportive of me.
there you go...2 years in a nutshell...
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Friday, January 31, 2014
Confession ....I fear the water
took up swimming recently. free style swimming class. taking up 8 classes. yup, i cant swim. facing my fear of the water. have been avoiding it. always joked about if i'm thrown into the water, do not fret, i will float eventually....a few hours later. all these years the children wanted me to join them in the pool. well, wanted to join them but...i cant swim...see??? finally, they stopped asking. it was daddy's task to be with them all these while and mama was there to get the food ready after the swim.
why all of the sudden urge? dont know...perhaps the timing was just right. i also have an accomplice to do this. so it is a little bit easier to take the 1st step. the 1st class was....well...full of fear. kept on holding on to the edge of the pool. other students are progressing to other lessons and i was still struggling to float. i was afraid that i could drown. was angry at myself for being such an idiot. let go...let go....i can't!! was angry at myself...intensely. the coach did not force. at my own pace. finally....she taught me how to paddle and hey...i can float and moving away from the edge of the pool...paddling slowly....going for my 5th class next week. Became a 'pelajar contoh' last week. A new student....similar problem with me. kept on holding the edge of the pool....the coach said to her..."she was also like u...takut...(both of them looking at me) but look at her now...can float and swim a little. U can do that too." "Yup that's me", i said. Dont know whether that is a good thing or not.
Well....still the slowest among the students. Must be that age factor...
Saturday, July 6, 2013
37 years ago, today
Al-Fatihah untuk mak, bapak. Passed away today, 5 July 1976. semoga roh mereka dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang soleh dan solehah.
Agaknya...how old wd they be if they were alive today? Mak was 46 and bapak was 50...kot, not sure. So they wd be 83 for mak and 87 for bapak. perhaps our lives wd also be different if they did not die on that fateful day. perhaps they wd come back 3 days after sending kak chik to ITM. Kak chik wd continue to study interior design, graduate and be working 3 or 4 years after that. how old wd she be? she wd be 55...wow! retirement age already... mak will continue with her business. she was a tailor and business was picking up then and was doing quite well. Bapak will continue to teach. he was a primary school teacher. i wd go to school the next day and all of us will go on with our lives...
but that did not happen. we lost mak and bapak and a few days after, we lost kak chik too.
the rest of us tried to survive without them. we survived in our own way. all of us are now with families. mak dan bapak ada 15 cucu sekarang tau.....and 1 cicit. Not bad kan?
"Alhamdulillah, kami semua ok, mak...bapak....kak chik. Jangan risau apa-apa. Kakak ada dan masih jaga kami walaupun dah tua macam ni...sama macam pesan mak masa mak nak pergi KL hantar Kak Chik hari tu....Biasala Mak, kakak tu garang juga kadang-kadang...apa orang kata...'tegas'. tapi kami tau dia sayang kami semua. walau susah macam mana pun, dia tetap ada dengan kami. Kami tak tau macam mana nak balas semua budi dia kat kami adik-adik...tapi kami cuba tak mau bagi dia marah. Mak, kakak masak mee goreng mamak paling best dalam dunia. Anak-anak pun suka. Dia dah ada cucu sekarang, ye la cicit mak le tu."
Semoga mak, bapak dan kak chik tenang di sana. Al-Fatihah.
Agaknya...how old wd they be if they were alive today? Mak was 46 and bapak was 50...kot, not sure. So they wd be 83 for mak and 87 for bapak. perhaps our lives wd also be different if they did not die on that fateful day. perhaps they wd come back 3 days after sending kak chik to ITM. Kak chik wd continue to study interior design, graduate and be working 3 or 4 years after that. how old wd she be? she wd be 55...wow! retirement age already... mak will continue with her business. she was a tailor and business was picking up then and was doing quite well. Bapak will continue to teach. he was a primary school teacher. i wd go to school the next day and all of us will go on with our lives...
but that did not happen. we lost mak and bapak and a few days after, we lost kak chik too.
the rest of us tried to survive without them. we survived in our own way. all of us are now with families. mak dan bapak ada 15 cucu sekarang tau.....and 1 cicit. Not bad kan?
"Alhamdulillah, kami semua ok, mak...bapak....kak chik. Jangan risau apa-apa. Kakak ada dan masih jaga kami walaupun dah tua macam ni...sama macam pesan mak masa mak nak pergi KL hantar Kak Chik hari tu....Biasala Mak, kakak tu garang juga kadang-kadang...apa orang kata...'tegas'. tapi kami tau dia sayang kami semua. walau susah macam mana pun, dia tetap ada dengan kami. Kami tak tau macam mana nak balas semua budi dia kat kami adik-adik...tapi kami cuba tak mau bagi dia marah. Mak, kakak masak mee goreng mamak paling best dalam dunia. Anak-anak pun suka. Dia dah ada cucu sekarang, ye la cicit mak le tu."
Semoga mak, bapak dan kak chik tenang di sana. Al-Fatihah.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
lets vote for peace and harmony
the election is near. everybody seems to have something to say about it. the disease of always blaming one another. the recent x-rated video footage of 1 leader from the opposition party...what an evil bunch of people who set this up in that hotel room. yeah, i saw part of the video and no, i did not forward it. all these are bunch of idiots really. and we the people have to chose amongst these idiots!
i for one do not appreaciate any hard sell on anything be it a product or political party. we knw what we know and we know what we need. who are they to tell me what i need or dont need. and please...please stop putting up the faces of leaders on lamp post buntings, billboards or on anything they can print on. he is not the only one managing and ruling the country. we the people also contribute. the government staff, the ketua2 kampung, D.O., teachers, and all the unsung heroes including u and I. we have our own way of contributing towards the nation, like not organising another riot. we should, u know...organise some kind of demo or something. the budget tabled does not favour the middle income grp (so called). we r not entitled for BR1M, the smart phones subsidy, and other subsidies given to the people. we pay our income tax every year yet we get nothing in return being the people of this nation. oh yes, received (with thanks) the RM100 subsidy for student for 2 of my kids. next year only eligible for 1. that's it! petrol subsidy? yeah...the rich are also getting it! what do we get? nothing much....yet we are still here obeserving and tolerating all u politicians passing judgement and blaming one another.
the oppositions are not promising too. PKR is the loudest of the 3. screaming and yelling, while PAS is NATO and DAP is quiet...u better be careful when someone is being quiet.
aarrggghhh....who cares what i think? i do.
i want rebates for my income tax, i want the government to lower the cost of houses. by the time my children start to earn a living, the cost of a decent house could reach RM1.0 million! Isn't that insane??? i want the government to lower the cost of consumer products, i want the political parties to respect one another. i do not want to read in the newspapers...party workers being attacked by the another party for hanging flags and buntings. Why???? the one causing hurt...malays and the one who got hurt are malays too. Idiots!!
i for one do not appreaciate any hard sell on anything be it a product or political party. we knw what we know and we know what we need. who are they to tell me what i need or dont need. and please...please stop putting up the faces of leaders on lamp post buntings, billboards or on anything they can print on. he is not the only one managing and ruling the country. we the people also contribute. the government staff, the ketua2 kampung, D.O., teachers, and all the unsung heroes including u and I. we have our own way of contributing towards the nation, like not organising another riot. we should, u know...organise some kind of demo or something. the budget tabled does not favour the middle income grp (so called). we r not entitled for BR1M, the smart phones subsidy, and other subsidies given to the people. we pay our income tax every year yet we get nothing in return being the people of this nation. oh yes, received (with thanks) the RM100 subsidy for student for 2 of my kids. next year only eligible for 1. that's it! petrol subsidy? yeah...the rich are also getting it! what do we get? nothing much....yet we are still here obeserving and tolerating all u politicians passing judgement and blaming one another.
the oppositions are not promising too. PKR is the loudest of the 3. screaming and yelling, while PAS is NATO and DAP is quiet...u better be careful when someone is being quiet.
aarrggghhh....who cares what i think? i do.
i want rebates for my income tax, i want the government to lower the cost of houses. by the time my children start to earn a living, the cost of a decent house could reach RM1.0 million! Isn't that insane??? i want the government to lower the cost of consumer products, i want the political parties to respect one another. i do not want to read in the newspapers...party workers being attacked by the another party for hanging flags and buntings. Why???? the one causing hurt...malays and the one who got hurt are malays too. Idiots!!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Will it ever be?
Sacrifices has become expectations and no matter how, they are still not enough. In the eyes of others, we are to drop everything and be at where u are expected to be no matter how difficult it is for you. These ppl seems to forget that we know our responsibilities and commitments. We cant be at two places at one time. To make sure that we are there, not physically, but perhaps spiritually, we make arrangements and adjustments. It does not mean that other matters are not important. They are of equal importance. It is sad that ppl only see what they want to see at that particular moment without realising that what they say might hurt another. But then who cares....they are right anyway....
i have always been at the background...i dont crave for attention nor limelight. i only seek for understanding and support coz i have given a lot to them. when they dont, still i dont rant about it. i try putting myself in their shoes and try to understand with some justification here and there. I continue to support irregardless of their shortcomings (nobody's perfect, including me). i do it out of love and 'ikhlas'. i hope they wd do the same.
when u read remarks saying that i allow bosses, work and friends rule my life....how does that make u feel?
i dont love my family? i dont prioritise them?
u began to think...have i not done enough? have i not love enough? have i not sacrifice enough?
will it ever be enough?
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Wajah
Mak dan bapak meninggal dunia when i was 12 years old. When u were at that age, nothing really matters except having fun with friends, school, playing with friends, all in that order. Masa tu tinggal di kampung yang rata2 sangat seronok untuk disukat bersama2 rakan sebaya. i was very active menyukat kampung and there were cliques of similar interests. Lebih gemar di luar rumah daripada berada di rumah. Lebih seronok apa....if at home kena buat kerja rumah. Aaahhh...bosan lah! Lagipun kakak chik asyik marah je. Mak dan bapak pulak tak de kat rumah, asyik kerja je.... That was my routine until that fateful day.
Mak dan bapak left us with nothing. Perabut lama, pakaian yang mana ada, makanan di dapur setakat bersisa kenduri malam sebelumnya. Lain2 kami tak tau. Mungkin kakak tau, dia dah besar masa tu. Dah belajar di ITM. Kami semua sekolah lagi.
After their funeral, we stayed with Mak Yah. She was the only aunt who was willing to take us all in. (Semoga rohnya tenang dan diampun segala dosa2nya serta ditempatkan di kalangan orang2 beriman, Amin) The rest of our relatives wanted us separately. As for me, nobody wanted, orphanage potential. But then it was ok for us as we had no other option. We just went with the flow, to survive.
Staying with Mak Yah was not easy. The difficulty made me miss mak so much. Never really realise that u needed your mother until she was gone and she was gone in an instant. Never had the opportunity to say good bye, get to know her better, as a person, her likes and dislikes, her plans... For many years, whenever im outside, in the crowd, i wd be looking for her. Mana la tahu, kot2 dia dan bapak ada terselit dalam ramai2 tu. kot2 they are still alive and perhaps yang meninggal tu orang lain...maybe depa pakat dgn some ppl to stay away from us because we have been naughty. Mana la tau kan? I know it was just a child's version of in denial...
In Mecca...during my umrah...i was praying hard for that opportunity to see mak again. That hope i carried when i was a child, i took it with me to Mecca. I have heard stories from the holy land that ppl have met long lost friends, saudara mara...di sana....dengan IzinNya...Ya Allah... Yes...nata melilau whenever selepas solat bila dalam ramai2 crowd...bila nak balik hotel, dalam masjid....Dalam diam, berharap dan berdoa semoga diberi peluang untuk menatap wajah mak sekali lagi di sana. Sekejap pun jadilah...
Tanpa disangka, mata berhenti di satu wajah yang seiras wajah yang ku cari sudah bertahun2....hanya sekilas tapi itulah wajahnya...Wajah mak ketika mudanya...bentuk wajahnya, matanya...hidungnya...itu la dia, .terkejut...teruja...gembira, badan ku seram sejuk, jantung berdegup laju. Allahu Akbar !!!! Syukur yang teramat...rindu ku pada mak terlerai pada saat itu......ingin ku kongsi kegembiraan dgn kakak yang duduk berhampiran..elok aku memanggil kakak untuk menoleh ke arah sama, wajah mak hilang bersama2 jemaah lain...aku hanya mampu mengalirkan air mata. 'Kenapa?' Tanya kakak.....Aku hanya mampu kata....."mak"....yang lainnya hanya air mata yang mampu menggambarkan perasaan ketika itu. Kakak diam saja....
Al-fatihah....
Mak dan bapak left us with nothing. Perabut lama, pakaian yang mana ada, makanan di dapur setakat bersisa kenduri malam sebelumnya. Lain2 kami tak tau. Mungkin kakak tau, dia dah besar masa tu. Dah belajar di ITM. Kami semua sekolah lagi.
After their funeral, we stayed with Mak Yah. She was the only aunt who was willing to take us all in. (Semoga rohnya tenang dan diampun segala dosa2nya serta ditempatkan di kalangan orang2 beriman, Amin) The rest of our relatives wanted us separately. As for me, nobody wanted, orphanage potential. But then it was ok for us as we had no other option. We just went with the flow, to survive.
Staying with Mak Yah was not easy. The difficulty made me miss mak so much. Never really realise that u needed your mother until she was gone and she was gone in an instant. Never had the opportunity to say good bye, get to know her better, as a person, her likes and dislikes, her plans... For many years, whenever im outside, in the crowd, i wd be looking for her. Mana la tahu, kot2 dia dan bapak ada terselit dalam ramai2 tu. kot2 they are still alive and perhaps yang meninggal tu orang lain...maybe depa pakat dgn some ppl to stay away from us because we have been naughty. Mana la tau kan? I know it was just a child's version of in denial...
In Mecca...during my umrah...i was praying hard for that opportunity to see mak again. That hope i carried when i was a child, i took it with me to Mecca. I have heard stories from the holy land that ppl have met long lost friends, saudara mara...di sana....dengan IzinNya...Ya Allah... Yes...nata melilau whenever selepas solat bila dalam ramai2 crowd...bila nak balik hotel, dalam masjid....Dalam diam, berharap dan berdoa semoga diberi peluang untuk menatap wajah mak sekali lagi di sana. Sekejap pun jadilah...
Tanpa disangka, mata berhenti di satu wajah yang seiras wajah yang ku cari sudah bertahun2....hanya sekilas tapi itulah wajahnya...Wajah mak ketika mudanya...bentuk wajahnya, matanya...hidungnya...itu la dia, .terkejut...teruja...gembira, badan ku seram sejuk, jantung berdegup laju. Allahu Akbar !!!! Syukur yang teramat...rindu ku pada mak terlerai pada saat itu......ingin ku kongsi kegembiraan dgn kakak yang duduk berhampiran..elok aku memanggil kakak untuk menoleh ke arah sama, wajah mak hilang bersama2 jemaah lain...aku hanya mampu mengalirkan air mata. 'Kenapa?' Tanya kakak.....Aku hanya mampu kata....."mak"....yang lainnya hanya air mata yang mampu menggambarkan perasaan ketika itu. Kakak diam saja....
Al-fatihah....
Monday, October 29, 2012
Heeeyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!
"eh dia tak tau dia pregnant pun. Tau-tau dah 8 bulan. umur dan 40 lebih. Anak dengan mak meninggal sekali. Boleh macam tu ye?", kata sorang akak tu. Sorang lagi menyambung, kongsi cerita yang relevant dgn topik "ada sorang tu, dah umur 46, pregnant lagi", penuh gaya dan ekspresi yang bersesuaian. "oooooo...iye ke? Itu mungkin dia tu tinggi dan besar, tak perasan pun dia pregnant", sambut ahli sembang lain berkongsi teori telahan sendiri. Ahli-ahli sembang lain sekadar angguk-angguk sambil meng'absorb' the story. Demikian antara butir-butir dialog sementara menunggu Arif balik sekolah. Biasa la...eavesdropping, tanpa rasa bersalah. Insiden ketika menunggu di bawah porch kereta guru sehingga jam 6.30. It was raining quite heavily yesterday and decided to wait for Arif near his class. Pada mulanya I was alone tapi semakin hampir waktu sekolah tamat, I was joined by these women...mak-mak. Familiar faces who I encountered whenever I was asked by Arif to fetch him from school if I happens to be on leave.
These women are much younger than me. Their children who are of the same age as Arif wd probably be their eldest or perhaps their second child. Mine, the youngest. Kakak said to me when Arif was born in 2004. "Hah...u will be the oldest mother waiting for anak balik sekolah. Nanti someone will ask u...tunggu cucu ke?" Heeeeyyyyyyy!!!!!! hehehe......
These women macam ada geng sendiri. They wd be lepaking at one spot and others will join one by one. Biasala...socialising..which is ok. Just that, dalam ramai-ramai, one mother in particular who is by far most outstanding. Yesterday was, in black head to toe, body fitting 1/3 sleeve lycra and leggings. Decent enough. But when u go closer, hmmmm....quite a sight. Imagine the same attire, all whites from head to toe. Go closer....whaaam!!! hey that is a nice lace pattern at the 'centre'. She wore that once and i was like...stunned. Daring i tell u! She was smiling away greeting her friends along the way. (The men were having a feast...aaarrrgghhh!!!)
Apa aku tulis ni???? hahahahaha....
These women are much younger than me. Their children who are of the same age as Arif wd probably be their eldest or perhaps their second child. Mine, the youngest. Kakak said to me when Arif was born in 2004. "Hah...u will be the oldest mother waiting for anak balik sekolah. Nanti someone will ask u...tunggu cucu ke?" Heeeeyyyyyyy!!!!!! hehehe......
These women macam ada geng sendiri. They wd be lepaking at one spot and others will join one by one. Biasala...socialising..which is ok. Just that, dalam ramai-ramai, one mother in particular who is by far most outstanding. Yesterday was, in black head to toe, body fitting 1/3 sleeve lycra and leggings. Decent enough. But when u go closer, hmmmm....quite a sight. Imagine the same attire, all whites from head to toe. Go closer....whaaam!!! hey that is a nice lace pattern at the 'centre'. She wore that once and i was like...stunned. Daring i tell u! She was smiling away greeting her friends along the way. (The men were having a feast...aaarrrgghhh!!!)
Apa aku tulis ni???? hahahahaha....
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Malam tu...
Malam tu kami suami isteri sangat letih mentally, emotionally and physically. Mana nak pikir anak-anak, mana nak pulihkan dia, risaukan jam-jam mendatang yang rasanya macam terlalu panjang. Risaukan kerja kami. Bolehke kami tinggalkan dia dan pergi kerja sebab kerja di pejabat membukit minta perhatian. Malam itu kami tak cakap banyak hanya mata yang berkomunikasi. Merenung antara satu sama lain dan kami memahami apa yang perlu dilakukan. Ustaz Ramli tak boleh lama dengan kami. Tanpa dia kami tenggelam punca tak tau apa yang hendak dilakukan. Kami sangat ignorant tentang perkara ini. Sangat-sangat lost dan pengsan tak tau apa! Sebelum ini kami setakat mendengar cerita orang tetapi apabila berlaku kepada diri sendiri, rasa macam menonton filem seram 'live'. Kami la watak utama. Dengan izinNya, Ustaz Ramli is our saviour.
Dari pukul 9 malam hingga 3 pagi, rasa takut, seram, geram, lega, kasihan...semua bercampur baur. Kami nekad dan yakin semua ini akan berakhir soon. Walau deep down, masa berjalan sangat lambat dan rasanya pucat muka dek trauma malam tadi masih jelas di muka. Ayub datang membantu ketika Evi sedang 'tenat' menggila dengan pelbagai yang merasuknya. Ayub, my younger brother datang setelah Tok Imam balik. bila tengok muka dia malam tu, lega juga kami, semangat kembali kuat. Sekurang-kurang ada orang ketiga yang mungkin tau juga serba sikit. Ayub biasa juga came across these incidents. Dia nampak lebih berani dari kami. Nampak la...Dia tahu juga ayat-ayat yang perlu dibaca untuk masa-masa gini. Siap diusiknya Evi masa dia tengah dirasuk. Bertanya itu ini dengan 'Evi', Ayub memicit ibu jari kaki Evi. tapi. Evi mendengus marah dan meronta "uishhh....kuatnya benda ni...". Baru dia tau...kita nak benda ni cepat pulih, bukan diusik2 budak tu.
insiden ni dah lama. masa tu arif baru 2 tahun. now arif is in year 2. evi, our maid of 5 months was possessed. i for one tak pernah tengok orang histeria pun, inikan pula kena rasuk makhluk halus. dengar cerita ada la. tapi macam mana la sangat our imagination tu sehingga berlaku depan mata. cerita evi dirasuk, i have written in my earlier posts in 2010. itu pun after many years baru tulis. now terasa ingin sambung cerita tu setakat mana yang ingat. mungkin ada yang telah lupa sebab rasanya elok la gitu. bukan suka sangat nak ingat benda2 gini.
Malam itu, what I fear most was not the eerie feelings all nite long and the panic attacks I experienced when Evi dirasuk dengan pelbagai makhluk...tapi risaukan my hb. I do not want him to collapse. I know the pressure and stress was unbearable for a heart patient like him. If something were to happen to him, I wd have stabbed Evi and get it done and over with. Insane? Wickedly insane! That was my decision, malam tu. Betul Evi kena rasuk. Tapi kalau hb ku rebah, aku yang menggila malam tu and Evi will be the first yang aku attack. I have to dulukan apa yang patut didahulukan. Malam tu, although our eyes communicated a lot, tapi I called most of the shots. Lifting the burden from him. wanted him to rest sebab Ayub pun ada to help tapi dia stayed on to be with me. If only there was a camera then, I wd have taken shots of him. Kalau the same incident happens now (Ya Allah, minta disimpangkanlah...), sure dah upload kat facebook and U can see how in shock and traumatised his face looked then.
Ustaz Ramli left about 3am. Dia siapkan garam kasar dan lada hitam yang telah dibacakan ayat-ayat suci untuk digunakan bila perlu. Rumah dah dipagarkan. Garam dan lada hitam ditabur di segenap penjuru ruang atas dan bawah rumah. Believe it or not, after a few hours, semua tu hilang...ya...garam dan lada hitam. Mana perginya??? Don't ask me. Ustaz Ramli kata jangan sapu garam dan lada hitam tu. Kami ikut pesanannya. Tapi bila masa nak sapu rumah, semuanya tak de...hah...hamik!
Bila Evi agak pulih dan kuat sikit malam tu, dia bangun nak buat kerja rumah. Muka pucat dan badan lemah tapi masih nak tunaikan tanggungjawab. Baik budaknya, tapi apakan daya...menjadi mangsa orang-orang yang dengki dan jahat semasa di kampung. Bila keadaan agak tenang setelah Evi agak pulih, aku dan Evi bersembang lama di ruang tamu...
"Evi rasa macam mana?", aku bertanya setelah pasti anak2 dan suami sudah tidur. Sebelum ni, anak2 turun ke bawah nak tengok Kak Evi. I allowed it selepas pasti Evi ok. Ayub pun dah balik. Now, just Evi and me. "Saya rasa kuat sikit, bu", jawab Evi, perlahan. "Elok la gitu", sambut aku. After much consideration and thought, aku tanya Evi, "Evi sedar ke apa jadi kat Evi tadi?" Evi diam, tunduk dan menjawab, "tak bu. Evi rasa takut dan nampak benda hitam besar nak masuk dalam badan. Rupa buruk. Dia datang dan terus masuk! Saya sedar bila tengok ibu dengan bapak dan saya ada di ruang tamu." "ooo...", aku mengangguk tanda faham. "Banyak juga makhluk halus yang merasuk Evi tadi", aku mula bercerita apa yang berlaku pada Evi. Evi hanya mendengar. Tunduk dan diam. Dia tidak terkejut. Riak mukanya seolah-olah...'expecting it'.
"bu, saya boleh nampak macam-macam bu", Evi mula bercerita. "Evi nampak apa?", aku dah berderau over and over again. Muka ku merah dan pucat bersilih ganti. Kecut perut. Peluh mula nak menjengah di anak-anak rambut di dahi. "Evi nampak apa?" aku tanya lagi, antara suspen dan ingin tahu. Moga dapat aku faham why is this happening.
'saya nampak...ada benda sedang perhati kita sekarang, di luar rumah, di laman. mahu masuk." Aku terus memandang ke luar, sebelah kiri ku. gelap gelita. tanpa apa riak di luar. "Dia kata dia baik, hanya nak bantu tapi tak boleh masuk...dia pakai baju purba, lelaki. Dia suruh bukakan pintu." "hah...cakap kat dia tak payah nak memandai. Kita tak perlu dia tolong. Duduk kat luar. Suruh dia balik". Aku berani dalam takut. Aku geram sebenarnya. Tiba-tiba, Evi bingkas bangun meluru ke dapur, ke pintu belakang...menggenggam garam dan lada hitam dan dilepar kuat ke arah pintu belakang. aku meluru sama, takutkan Evi dirasuk lagi, Ustaz dah balik. Ayub tak de, hb dan anak2 tidur. Cuma aku dan Evi saja yang berjaga malam tu. Aku sekali lagi, kecut perut, berderau...all in one. Menurun lagi ke budak ni?????... "pergi...! pergi..!" Evi menjerit dan melempar garam dengan marah dan nafas yang turun naik laju. Mukanya nyata dengan riak marah dan bersedia untuk berlawan. "ada lembaga besar, hitam...kepala gajah di belakang rumah, di pintu pagar belakang nak masuk juga. dia datang dari rumah India." (yup my neighbour, childless Indian couple...memuja patung gajah yang disiram susu dan disujud setiap pagi dengan penuh taat). Evi masuk semula ke dalam, setelah berpusa hati, tiada lagi makhluk kepala gajah. Hadoi....banyak uban tumbuh malam tu. Stress tahap dewa!
Kami ke ruang tamu semula. Evi nak bercerita lagi. "Ibu tahu tak, rumah ibu ni ada dalam satu kampung lama?" Aku diam mendengar saja. Menyahut dan bertanya apabila perlu. Selebihnya, biarkan saja Evi bercerita. "Ada dua anak perempuan yang suka bermain buai di laman. Ada satu pokok besar di antara ruang rumah ibu ni". "Keluarga tu kata mereka yang dahulu sampai di sini dan selepas itu, keluarga ibu datang." Aku rasa perlu membela diri di sini. "Ini rumah saya. Saya datang bukan mengganggu, hanya berkongsi ruang Allah Taala saja". "Ya bu, mereka tahu." Well, at least that is out in the open. "Bu, saya juga sering diganggu suara-suara jahat dan menakutkan. Saya boleh dengar semuanya." Hah...sudah! Suara apa pulak? Patutla pernah sekali kami sekeluarga keluar dan pulang malam. I was the one yang panggil Evi untuk bukakan pintu. Tapi Evi tak menyahut pun walaupun she was at the living area. From the window I can see she was closing his ears with her hands and sitting at one corner, knees close to her chest. Her face....in fear of something. I had to yell loud for her to realise that i was calling for her. Selepas bukankan pintu, I asked her what was happening...tapi biasala...'tak de apa bu'. Tapi Evi memang selalu takutkan something. That I noticed.
"Bu, ada banyak benda datang nak masuk bu." Evi memandang ke luar. Masih gelap ok, di luar tu. Evi menggengam garam kasar dan lada hitam lagi. Terus bangun dan melempar ke luar. Aku terus berkeras. "Suruh balik semuanya!" "Kita tak perlu depa sini. Balik! Balik! Ini rumah aku!" aku jerit lagi.
Evi, selain kerja rumah yang tak berapa pandai, sentiasa happy, especially with the children. Melayan the girls anytime and masak apa aje yang dia tahu bila diminta. My girls kata, 'ma....macam kat kedai. Cakap je nak makan apa, Kak Evi masakkan.' Dulu di kampung, Evi ni kerja di salun rambut. Pernah, kami bawa dia ke Family Day outing organised by the company. Dia yang setkan rambut anak2. Macam kat salun tu la hasilnya. The girls sikit punya perasan, paling voque malam dinner tu. Layaaannnnn.....Rasanya that is her way to forget about her fears, melayan anak2. Dia paling sayang Arif. Kami risau juga after she left, Arif nanti sakit ke apa ke sebab rapat dengan Evi....tapi Alhamdulillah, Arif ok.
Malam tu dan hari-hari mendatang, kami memang rasa seram duduk di rumah. Surah Yassin sentiasa berkumandang. Tapi kami masih 'merasanya'. Kami pegang pesanan Ustaz Ramli, Manusia lebih superior daripada jin dan syaitan. Jadi jangan biarkan diri takut dengan benda-benda ini.
Masa nak hantar Evi balik Indon, 3 days after that, macam-macam dugaan datang. Documents tak lengkap la, kereta rosak tengah jalan la. kereta rasa berat la....Evi sempat lagi memberitahu, dia nampak ada benda sedang memerhati kami di tepi jalan dan mahu menghampiri ketika kereta meragam. Cepat la Ayub, drive kereta ni...! Walau pun terasa berat...Ayub tekan juga minyak!
Kami baru dapat tahu a few months back, someone was murdered at our neighbour's house during the construction of our block. The Indian couple's house. Hmmmm...they have been childless walau dah kawin bertahun. Suami a devoted Hindu, sembahyang and puja the gajah for years. All in effort of seeking blessing untuk dapatkan anak. (that's what other neighbours say). They finally moved out from that house. After a few years, they returned last year and with a little boy. Comel. Baru dapat anak rupanya. (Input from my current maid who is the CNN on neighbours' developments). When they came back, did a minor renovation on the house. Kecikkan ruang pintu. sliding door kini cuma satu pintu kecil, tanpa tingkap depan. Pagar rumah ditukar tinggi dan rapat. Tiada ruang untuk mereka yang di luar menjengah ke dalam. First reaction that crossed my mind, macam tak mau bercampur dgn orang. Semua nak bertutup and gelap. Ah...suka hati la...
Sesekali teringat Evi. Apa khabar agaknya dia? Is she well? Semua ini berlaku tentu ada hikmaynya. Allah Taala menghantar Evi kepada kami mesti ada hikmahnya. Bagaimana berkuasanya ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran mampu mengusir makhluk yang mahu memusnahkan manusia. Ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran yang memulihkan Evi dengan izinNya juga. Ustaz Ramli yang dihantar kepada kami untuk membantu. Mungkin juga kami yang perlu disedarkan ketika itu.
After she left we lost communication. Just hope that Evi is well and happy with her child. InsyaAllah...
p/s : sedang menulis post ini, dari ekor mata kananku, dapat ku lihat pergerakan sekilas.....kepala menjengah di muka pintu bilik. I'm at the far end of my room. Yup. tall...and chaaakkk!!! Ku toleh ke arah itu. Nothing. Mungkin Afiq who is abt 6'3" is home. But NOT! well, i continued with my entry.
Dari pukul 9 malam hingga 3 pagi, rasa takut, seram, geram, lega, kasihan...semua bercampur baur. Kami nekad dan yakin semua ini akan berakhir soon. Walau deep down, masa berjalan sangat lambat dan rasanya pucat muka dek trauma malam tadi masih jelas di muka. Ayub datang membantu ketika Evi sedang 'tenat' menggila dengan pelbagai yang merasuknya. Ayub, my younger brother datang setelah Tok Imam balik. bila tengok muka dia malam tu, lega juga kami, semangat kembali kuat. Sekurang-kurang ada orang ketiga yang mungkin tau juga serba sikit. Ayub biasa juga came across these incidents. Dia nampak lebih berani dari kami. Nampak la...Dia tahu juga ayat-ayat yang perlu dibaca untuk masa-masa gini. Siap diusiknya Evi masa dia tengah dirasuk. Bertanya itu ini dengan 'Evi', Ayub memicit ibu jari kaki Evi. tapi. Evi mendengus marah dan meronta "uishhh....kuatnya benda ni...". Baru dia tau...kita nak benda ni cepat pulih, bukan diusik2 budak tu.
insiden ni dah lama. masa tu arif baru 2 tahun. now arif is in year 2. evi, our maid of 5 months was possessed. i for one tak pernah tengok orang histeria pun, inikan pula kena rasuk makhluk halus. dengar cerita ada la. tapi macam mana la sangat our imagination tu sehingga berlaku depan mata. cerita evi dirasuk, i have written in my earlier posts in 2010. itu pun after many years baru tulis. now terasa ingin sambung cerita tu setakat mana yang ingat. mungkin ada yang telah lupa sebab rasanya elok la gitu. bukan suka sangat nak ingat benda2 gini.
Malam itu, what I fear most was not the eerie feelings all nite long and the panic attacks I experienced when Evi dirasuk dengan pelbagai makhluk...tapi risaukan my hb. I do not want him to collapse. I know the pressure and stress was unbearable for a heart patient like him. If something were to happen to him, I wd have stabbed Evi and get it done and over with. Insane? Wickedly insane! That was my decision, malam tu. Betul Evi kena rasuk. Tapi kalau hb ku rebah, aku yang menggila malam tu and Evi will be the first yang aku attack. I have to dulukan apa yang patut didahulukan. Malam tu, although our eyes communicated a lot, tapi I called most of the shots. Lifting the burden from him. wanted him to rest sebab Ayub pun ada to help tapi dia stayed on to be with me. If only there was a camera then, I wd have taken shots of him. Kalau the same incident happens now (Ya Allah, minta disimpangkanlah...), sure dah upload kat facebook and U can see how in shock and traumatised his face looked then.
Ustaz Ramli left about 3am. Dia siapkan garam kasar dan lada hitam yang telah dibacakan ayat-ayat suci untuk digunakan bila perlu. Rumah dah dipagarkan. Garam dan lada hitam ditabur di segenap penjuru ruang atas dan bawah rumah. Believe it or not, after a few hours, semua tu hilang...ya...garam dan lada hitam. Mana perginya??? Don't ask me. Ustaz Ramli kata jangan sapu garam dan lada hitam tu. Kami ikut pesanannya. Tapi bila masa nak sapu rumah, semuanya tak de...hah...hamik!
Bila Evi agak pulih dan kuat sikit malam tu, dia bangun nak buat kerja rumah. Muka pucat dan badan lemah tapi masih nak tunaikan tanggungjawab. Baik budaknya, tapi apakan daya...menjadi mangsa orang-orang yang dengki dan jahat semasa di kampung. Bila keadaan agak tenang setelah Evi agak pulih, aku dan Evi bersembang lama di ruang tamu...
"Evi rasa macam mana?", aku bertanya setelah pasti anak2 dan suami sudah tidur. Sebelum ni, anak2 turun ke bawah nak tengok Kak Evi. I allowed it selepas pasti Evi ok. Ayub pun dah balik. Now, just Evi and me. "Saya rasa kuat sikit, bu", jawab Evi, perlahan. "Elok la gitu", sambut aku. After much consideration and thought, aku tanya Evi, "Evi sedar ke apa jadi kat Evi tadi?" Evi diam, tunduk dan menjawab, "tak bu. Evi rasa takut dan nampak benda hitam besar nak masuk dalam badan. Rupa buruk. Dia datang dan terus masuk! Saya sedar bila tengok ibu dengan bapak dan saya ada di ruang tamu." "ooo...", aku mengangguk tanda faham. "Banyak juga makhluk halus yang merasuk Evi tadi", aku mula bercerita apa yang berlaku pada Evi. Evi hanya mendengar. Tunduk dan diam. Dia tidak terkejut. Riak mukanya seolah-olah...'expecting it'.
"bu, saya boleh nampak macam-macam bu", Evi mula bercerita. "Evi nampak apa?", aku dah berderau over and over again. Muka ku merah dan pucat bersilih ganti. Kecut perut. Peluh mula nak menjengah di anak-anak rambut di dahi. "Evi nampak apa?" aku tanya lagi, antara suspen dan ingin tahu. Moga dapat aku faham why is this happening.
'saya nampak...ada benda sedang perhati kita sekarang, di luar rumah, di laman. mahu masuk." Aku terus memandang ke luar, sebelah kiri ku. gelap gelita. tanpa apa riak di luar. "Dia kata dia baik, hanya nak bantu tapi tak boleh masuk...dia pakai baju purba, lelaki. Dia suruh bukakan pintu." "hah...cakap kat dia tak payah nak memandai. Kita tak perlu dia tolong. Duduk kat luar. Suruh dia balik". Aku berani dalam takut. Aku geram sebenarnya. Tiba-tiba, Evi bingkas bangun meluru ke dapur, ke pintu belakang...menggenggam garam dan lada hitam dan dilepar kuat ke arah pintu belakang. aku meluru sama, takutkan Evi dirasuk lagi, Ustaz dah balik. Ayub tak de, hb dan anak2 tidur. Cuma aku dan Evi saja yang berjaga malam tu. Aku sekali lagi, kecut perut, berderau...all in one. Menurun lagi ke budak ni?????... "pergi...! pergi..!" Evi menjerit dan melempar garam dengan marah dan nafas yang turun naik laju. Mukanya nyata dengan riak marah dan bersedia untuk berlawan. "ada lembaga besar, hitam...kepala gajah di belakang rumah, di pintu pagar belakang nak masuk juga. dia datang dari rumah India." (yup my neighbour, childless Indian couple...memuja patung gajah yang disiram susu dan disujud setiap pagi dengan penuh taat). Evi masuk semula ke dalam, setelah berpusa hati, tiada lagi makhluk kepala gajah. Hadoi....banyak uban tumbuh malam tu. Stress tahap dewa!
Kami ke ruang tamu semula. Evi nak bercerita lagi. "Ibu tahu tak, rumah ibu ni ada dalam satu kampung lama?" Aku diam mendengar saja. Menyahut dan bertanya apabila perlu. Selebihnya, biarkan saja Evi bercerita. "Ada dua anak perempuan yang suka bermain buai di laman. Ada satu pokok besar di antara ruang rumah ibu ni". "Keluarga tu kata mereka yang dahulu sampai di sini dan selepas itu, keluarga ibu datang." Aku rasa perlu membela diri di sini. "Ini rumah saya. Saya datang bukan mengganggu, hanya berkongsi ruang Allah Taala saja". "Ya bu, mereka tahu." Well, at least that is out in the open. "Bu, saya juga sering diganggu suara-suara jahat dan menakutkan. Saya boleh dengar semuanya." Hah...sudah! Suara apa pulak? Patutla pernah sekali kami sekeluarga keluar dan pulang malam. I was the one yang panggil Evi untuk bukakan pintu. Tapi Evi tak menyahut pun walaupun she was at the living area. From the window I can see she was closing his ears with her hands and sitting at one corner, knees close to her chest. Her face....in fear of something. I had to yell loud for her to realise that i was calling for her. Selepas bukankan pintu, I asked her what was happening...tapi biasala...'tak de apa bu'. Tapi Evi memang selalu takutkan something. That I noticed.
"Bu, ada banyak benda datang nak masuk bu." Evi memandang ke luar. Masih gelap ok, di luar tu. Evi menggengam garam kasar dan lada hitam lagi. Terus bangun dan melempar ke luar. Aku terus berkeras. "Suruh balik semuanya!" "Kita tak perlu depa sini. Balik! Balik! Ini rumah aku!" aku jerit lagi.
Evi, selain kerja rumah yang tak berapa pandai, sentiasa happy, especially with the children. Melayan the girls anytime and masak apa aje yang dia tahu bila diminta. My girls kata, 'ma....macam kat kedai. Cakap je nak makan apa, Kak Evi masakkan.' Dulu di kampung, Evi ni kerja di salun rambut. Pernah, kami bawa dia ke Family Day outing organised by the company. Dia yang setkan rambut anak2. Macam kat salun tu la hasilnya. The girls sikit punya perasan, paling voque malam dinner tu. Layaaannnnn.....Rasanya that is her way to forget about her fears, melayan anak2. Dia paling sayang Arif. Kami risau juga after she left, Arif nanti sakit ke apa ke sebab rapat dengan Evi....tapi Alhamdulillah, Arif ok.
Malam tu dan hari-hari mendatang, kami memang rasa seram duduk di rumah. Surah Yassin sentiasa berkumandang. Tapi kami masih 'merasanya'. Kami pegang pesanan Ustaz Ramli, Manusia lebih superior daripada jin dan syaitan. Jadi jangan biarkan diri takut dengan benda-benda ini.
Masa nak hantar Evi balik Indon, 3 days after that, macam-macam dugaan datang. Documents tak lengkap la, kereta rosak tengah jalan la. kereta rasa berat la....Evi sempat lagi memberitahu, dia nampak ada benda sedang memerhati kami di tepi jalan dan mahu menghampiri ketika kereta meragam. Cepat la Ayub, drive kereta ni...! Walau pun terasa berat...Ayub tekan juga minyak!
Kami baru dapat tahu a few months back, someone was murdered at our neighbour's house during the construction of our block. The Indian couple's house. Hmmmm...they have been childless walau dah kawin bertahun. Suami a devoted Hindu, sembahyang and puja the gajah for years. All in effort of seeking blessing untuk dapatkan anak. (that's what other neighbours say). They finally moved out from that house. After a few years, they returned last year and with a little boy. Comel. Baru dapat anak rupanya. (Input from my current maid who is the CNN on neighbours' developments). When they came back, did a minor renovation on the house. Kecikkan ruang pintu. sliding door kini cuma satu pintu kecil, tanpa tingkap depan. Pagar rumah ditukar tinggi dan rapat. Tiada ruang untuk mereka yang di luar menjengah ke dalam. First reaction that crossed my mind, macam tak mau bercampur dgn orang. Semua nak bertutup and gelap. Ah...suka hati la...
Sesekali teringat Evi. Apa khabar agaknya dia? Is she well? Semua ini berlaku tentu ada hikmaynya. Allah Taala menghantar Evi kepada kami mesti ada hikmahnya. Bagaimana berkuasanya ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran mampu mengusir makhluk yang mahu memusnahkan manusia. Ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran yang memulihkan Evi dengan izinNya juga. Ustaz Ramli yang dihantar kepada kami untuk membantu. Mungkin juga kami yang perlu disedarkan ketika itu.
After she left we lost communication. Just hope that Evi is well and happy with her child. InsyaAllah...
p/s : sedang menulis post ini, dari ekor mata kananku, dapat ku lihat pergerakan sekilas.....kepala menjengah di muka pintu bilik. I'm at the far end of my room. Yup. tall...and chaaakkk!!! Ku toleh ke arah itu. Nothing. Mungkin Afiq who is abt 6'3" is home. But NOT! well, i continued with my entry.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
the discomforts of popularity
life is rather routine these days. it has been a while since the last entry. not the likes of some bloggers who has daily entries. i write when i feel like it. when i feel i need to share to ease this 'weight' im carrying. the only way to ease it is to write about it. hopefully i will soon be able to forget about it and move on. this is my therapy. so far, i have been able to manage life's challenges. accepting it as it may. i know all will be ok coz i can still breathe, sleep and control my diet. if im losing sleep n my appetite is going sky high coz i eat more when im upset while breathing is a chore, then im in trouble.
work has been great. im blessed with a great team and wonderful friends at work. but then, we might think all are rosy cos that's what our friends are telling us. but we soon realise that there are unhappy people and bitter voices murmuring behind us. it seems that we have not been doing it right. we fail to see from another perspective. we are blinded with, perhaps our own set of standards and we expect others to follow that. we are so adamant that our way is the only way n those bitter voices also say the same. so, where is the meeting point? unlikely to meet at any meeting points when egos are high on the list.
i avoid confrontations cos i hate the 'after' feeling. i hate going through the confrontation scene over n over again in my mind and feeling that anger again n again. i had my fair share of such 'scenes', but nothing good came out of it. just more discomforts, more hatred and jealousy. i know this is better for me when i stay calm and move on with my life. my friends said that i let others walk all over me. well...let them cos what is important to me is that whatever i do, is with sincerity. if there's no sincerity, i will not do it. i cant control what others think of me but i can surely control what i feel and how i lead my life. if they have negative thoughts of me and of what i do, that is their problem. hey, cant help it when im popular n i know popularity has a price tag. my doa to these people, 'may they have a wonderful and happy life...'
work has been great. im blessed with a great team and wonderful friends at work. but then, we might think all are rosy cos that's what our friends are telling us. but we soon realise that there are unhappy people and bitter voices murmuring behind us. it seems that we have not been doing it right. we fail to see from another perspective. we are blinded with, perhaps our own set of standards and we expect others to follow that. we are so adamant that our way is the only way n those bitter voices also say the same. so, where is the meeting point? unlikely to meet at any meeting points when egos are high on the list.
i avoid confrontations cos i hate the 'after' feeling. i hate going through the confrontation scene over n over again in my mind and feeling that anger again n again. i had my fair share of such 'scenes', but nothing good came out of it. just more discomforts, more hatred and jealousy. i know this is better for me when i stay calm and move on with my life. my friends said that i let others walk all over me. well...let them cos what is important to me is that whatever i do, is with sincerity. if there's no sincerity, i will not do it. i cant control what others think of me but i can surely control what i feel and how i lead my life. if they have negative thoughts of me and of what i do, that is their problem. hey, cant help it when im popular n i know popularity has a price tag. my doa to these people, 'may they have a wonderful and happy life...'
Friday, May 4, 2012
Blurghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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