Super Mak

hari raya lagi lima hari...will be busy with the usual preparation like previous hari rayas ..the menu, the house, the cookies, the kerepeks....the whole thing.

when i was way younger...well...when Mak was still around, during hari raya season, mak will be busy with the many orders of baju raya of her clients.  she was a tailor. so, busy la with the orders. must complete before hari raya.  normal la tu.

we dont go for baju raya shopping like kids these days.  those days, do not understand the concept of raya shopping.  what's that?  mak is busy with orders....kakak and kak chik busy with their own stuff. abang too and ayub...well...kecik sangat lagi masa tu.  bapak?...hmmmmm...dont see him much at home anyway.  must have been a busy too.

raya season, mak would be working till late at night.

esok nk raya, mak was still at the shop.  no rendang, no baju raya, nothing.  tak raya ke esok kita ni? or kita beraya rumah jiran? tak pe la....yang penting round kampung with friends. boleh minum air sirap, makan kek, biskut raya. kalau nasib baik, dapat duit raya....hmmmmm......niceeeee, so excited about raya with friends esok.

aarrgghh...tidor la!  esok nak raya, eeee.....seronoknyer......cepat tidor, cepat sikit sampai esok...

pagi raya...bangun, tenyeh-tenyeh mata....cari Mak.

"Tu kat terusi", Mak was addressing me while focusing on her cooking.

so off i went to the 'kerusi' and there i saw a new dress for me...pastel flowery dress for raya....with a matching panties.. hehehehe....I was a happy girl....yup, so easy to please me.

mothers are super woman kan? wonder woman, power rangers, who else yg power....?

i dont think Mak slept that nite...coz breakfast was lemang and rendang...

it rhymes...ngeeeeee...

.................... try as much as possible to remain positive and motivated regardless of how i am being negatively perceived. perhaps i did not explain myself clearly.  perhaps.....aaarrgghhh...so frustrating...!!!! when i'm seen as doing something terrible of which i did not do, it cuts deep. it would be more victorious if i had actually done whatever i'm being accused of, but unfortunately that was not the case.

usually when i try to explain, im seen as being defensive.  when i dont, i am easily misunderstood. either way...cannot win.

so......rule of thumb, do not fight fire with fire coz the the risk of fatality is higher...(heeeyyy....it rhymes...fire...higher....ngeeeee)

...............................................................................................................

well you know...it is that age thingy...

i know i can't be a travel writer.  sucks at details and planning.  if i dont have my dear friend cik gee with me, i wd surely die on foreign soil!  highly dependable on her on all the planning and places to visit.  i paid what was due to get me there and i know i wont starve as we have all the meals included.  in fact all my trips with her was due to her careful planning of places to visit and most importantly within the budget.

we were in china, southern China.  Guangdong and Hunan from 26th April - 1st May 2013.  there were 6 of us including cik gee and i.  visited many places...mountain tracking most of it.  no prior preparation and my fitness level was very poor so i ended up looking at the asses of my other group members cos i was always the one left behind.  they are a lot younger and well.... i need to justify for being left behind and age factor works every time..hehehehehe

BM 101

arif does not speak malay that well.  he can speak malay but i suppose he needs to think of the words to express himself....perhaps he might be translating it.  i do not understand what happen but he doesn't seem to have a grasp of the malay language.  daddy works with dewan bahasa, mama was with dewan bahasa for good 6 years and malay language is after all our mother tongue.  yet, arif...hmmm...he expresses himself better in english...

BM 101 a few days ago....

arif  :  Ma...what does 'menguap' means?  does it mean...when u like someone?

mama :  nothing of that sort. No arif....menguap means...yawn...when u r sleepy or tired... and where do u get the idea that 'menguap' is when u like someone...?

arif  :  dont know...just learn about the word

hai la arif wei....

BM 101 2 weeks ago....

Arif  :  Ma...what is  the malay word for 'nerd'?  is it 'Nerda'?

Mama  :  Nerda?   nerda?   seriously?   not nerda arif...(errmmmm...honestly mama turned blank....)...sheesh,,,,arif....perhaps it is...lurus bendul..

Arif  ;  blink...blinkkk......

mama equally blink...blink....

Hello again

it is March 2016.  my last entry was in 2014.  how time flies when you are having fun.  having fun? who...me? yeah there were some fun...if you really look for it.

i was busy with work for the past 2 years.  new boss with new ideas and new approaches and of coz, new and different expectations.  enjoyed the challenges given to me. im blessed with a supportive and energetic team, an understanding family (although there were many complaints and rants along the way, but an understanding loved ones. coz mama had to work....love you to bits).

i have been neglecting this space too long.  just cant find the passion. shelving it not shutting it down though...

will continue to jot down my entries here.  will make it a point to do that as often as i can.  who knows, when im old and getting senile...this wd be a good reference point for me (if i can still remember the password...)

oh btw, arif will turn 12 this year...  will sit for his UPSR in september (i think).  haih...still trying to make him do his homework on daily basis.  so much to share about him.  he is now taller that Marsya...(my dotter....his elder sister...you know...).

Marsya is in UiTM Alor Gajah studying mass comm. Atikah is in Shah Alam continuing her degree. yeah...in mass comm too.  Afiq...is a salaried man...with flexi working hours...working for a company in subang jaya.  Still passionate with hip hop music and performs with his crew on the side line.  has his own tshirt label 'Top Notch'.  the father of my children.... is well with occasional hiccups here and there (health wise) and ever so supportive of me.

there you go...2 years in a nutshell...

Confession ....I fear the water

took up swimming recently. free style swimming class.  taking up 8 classes.  yup,  i cant swim.  facing my fear of the water.  have been avoiding it.  always joked about if i'm thrown into the water, do not fret, i will float eventually....a few hours later.  all these years the children wanted me to join them in the pool.  well, wanted to join them but...i cant swim...see???   finally, they stopped asking.  it was daddy's task to be with them all these while and mama was there to get the food ready after the swim.  

why all of the sudden urge?  dont know...perhaps the timing was just right.  i also have an accomplice to do this.  so it is a little bit easier to take the 1st step. the 1st class was....well...full of fear.  kept on holding on to the edge of the pool.  other students are progressing to other lessons and i was  still struggling to float.  i was afraid that i could drown.  was angry at myself for being such an idiot.  let go...let go....i can't!!  was angry at myself...intensely.  the coach did not force.  at my own pace. finally....she taught me how to paddle and hey...i can float and moving away from the edge of the pool...paddling slowly....going for my 5th class next week.  Became a 'pelajar contoh' last week.  A new student....similar problem with me.  kept on holding the edge of the pool....the coach said to her..."she was also like u...takut...(both of them looking at me) but look at her now...can float and swim a little.  U can do that too."  "Yup that's me", i said.  Dont know whether that is a good thing or not.   

Well....still the slowest among the students.  Must be that age factor...

37 years ago, today

Al-Fatihah untuk mak, bapak.  Passed away today, 5 July 1976.  semoga roh mereka dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang soleh dan solehah.

Agaknya...how old wd they be if they were alive today?  Mak was 46 and bapak was 50...kot, not sure.  So they wd be 83 for mak and 87 for bapak.  perhaps our lives wd also be different if they did not die on that fateful day.  perhaps they wd come back 3 days after sending kak chik to ITM.  Kak chik wd continue to study interior design, graduate and be working 3 or 4 years after that.  how old wd she be?  she wd be 55...wow!  retirement age already...  mak will continue with her business.  she was a tailor and business was picking up then and was doing quite well.  Bapak will continue to teach. he was a primary school teacher.  i wd go to school the next day and all of us will go on with our lives...


but that did not happen.  we lost mak and bapak and a few days after, we lost kak chik too.

the rest of us tried to survive without them.  we survived in our own way.  all of us are now with families.  mak dan bapak ada 15 cucu sekarang tau.....and 1 cicit.  Not bad kan?

"Alhamdulillah, kami semua ok, mak...bapak....kak chik.  Jangan risau apa-apa.  Kakak ada dan masih jaga kami walaupun dah tua macam ni...sama macam pesan mak masa mak nak pergi KL hantar Kak Chik hari tu....Biasala Mak, kakak tu garang juga kadang-kadang...apa orang kata...'tegas'.  tapi kami tau dia sayang kami semua.   walau susah macam mana pun, dia tetap ada dengan kami.  Kami tak tau macam mana nak balas semua budi dia kat kami adik-adik...tapi kami cuba tak mau bagi dia marah.  Mak, kakak masak mee goreng mamak paling best dalam dunia.  Anak-anak pun suka.  Dia dah ada cucu sekarang, ye la cicit mak le tu."

Semoga mak, bapak dan kak chik tenang di sana.  Al-Fatihah.

lets vote for peace and harmony

the election is near.  everybody seems to have something to say about it.  the disease of always blaming one another.  the recent x-rated video footage of 1 leader from the opposition party...what an evil bunch of people who set this up in that hotel room.  yeah, i saw part of the video and no, i did not forward it.  all these are bunch of idiots really.  and we the people have to chose amongst these idiots!

i for one do not appreaciate any hard sell on anything be it a product or political party.  we knw what we know and we know what we need.  who are they to tell me what i need or dont need.  and please...please stop putting up the faces of leaders on lamp post buntings, billboards or on anything they can print on.  he is not the only one managing and ruling the country.  we the people also contribute.  the government staff, the ketua2 kampung, D.O., teachers, and all the unsung heroes including u and I.  we have our own way of contributing towards the nation, like not organising another riot.  we should, u know...organise some kind of demo or something.  the budget tabled does not favour the middle income grp (so called).  we r not entitled for BR1M, the smart phones subsidy, and other subsidies given to the people.  we pay our income tax every year yet we get nothing in return being the people of this nation.  oh yes, received (with thanks) the RM100 subsidy for student for 2 of my kids.  next year only eligible for 1.  that's it!  petrol subsidy?  yeah...the rich are also getting it!  what do we get?  nothing much....yet we are still here obeserving and tolerating all u politicians passing judgement and blaming one another. 

the oppositions are not promising too.  PKR is the loudest of the 3.  screaming and yelling, while PAS is NATO and DAP is quiet...u better be careful when someone is being quiet.

aarrggghhh....who cares what i think?  i do.

i want rebates for my income tax, i want the government to lower the cost of houses.  by the time my children start to earn a living, the cost of a decent house could reach RM1.0 million!  Isn't that insane???  i want the government to lower the cost of consumer products, i want the political parties to respect one another.  i do not want to read in the newspapers...party workers being attacked by the another party for hanging flags and buntings.  Why????   the one causing hurt...malays and the one who got hurt are malays too.  Idiots!!

Will it ever be?

Sacrifices has become expectations and no matter how, they are still not enough.  In the eyes of others, we are to drop everything and be at where u are expected to be no matter how difficult it is for you.  These ppl seems to forget that we know our responsibilities and commitments.  We cant be at two places at one time.  To make sure that we are there, not physically, but perhaps spiritually, we make arrangements and adjustments.  It does not mean that other matters are not important. They are of equal importance. It is sad that ppl only see what they want to see at that particular moment without realising that what they say might hurt another.  But then who cares....they are right anyway....

i have always been at the background...i dont crave for attention nor limelight.  i only seek for understanding and support coz i have given a lot to them.  when they dont, still i dont rant about it.  i try putting myself in their shoes and try to understand with some justification here and there.  I continue to support irregardless of their shortcomings (nobody's perfect, including me).  i do it out of love and 'ikhlas'.  i hope they wd do the same. 

when u read remarks saying that i allow bosses, work and friends rule my life....how does that make u feel?

i dont love my family?  i dont prioritise them?

u began to think...have i not done enough?  have i not love enough?  have i not sacrifice enough?

will it ever be enough? 

Wajah

Mak dan bapak meninggal dunia when i was 12 years old. When u were at that age,  nothing really matters except having fun with friends, school, playing with friends, all in that order. Masa tu tinggal di kampung yang rata2 sangat seronok untuk disukat bersama2 rakan sebaya.  i was very active menyukat kampung and there were cliques of similar interests. Lebih gemar di luar rumah daripada berada di rumah. Lebih seronok apa....if at home kena buat kerja rumah.  Aaahhh...bosan lah! Lagipun kakak chik asyik marah je.  Mak dan bapak pulak tak de kat rumah, asyik kerja je.... That was my routine until that fateful day.

Mak dan bapak left us with nothing.  Perabut lama, pakaian yang mana ada, makanan di dapur setakat    bersisa kenduri malam sebelumnya.  Lain2 kami tak tau.  Mungkin kakak tau, dia dah besar masa tu. Dah belajar di ITM.  Kami semua sekolah lagi.

After their funeral, we stayed with Mak Yah.  She was the only aunt who was willing to take us all in. (Semoga rohnya tenang dan diampun segala dosa2nya serta ditempatkan di kalangan orang2 beriman, Amin)   The rest of our relatives wanted us separately.  As for me, nobody wanted, orphanage potential. But then it was ok for us as we had no other option.  We just went with the flow, to survive.

Staying with Mak Yah was not easy.  The difficulty made me miss mak so much.  Never really realise that u needed your mother until she was gone and she was gone in an instant. Never had the opportunity to say good bye, get to know her better, as a person, her likes and dislikes, her plans... For many years, whenever  im outside, in the crowd, i wd be looking for her.  Mana la tahu, kot2 dia dan bapak ada terselit dalam ramai2 tu.  kot2 they are still alive and perhaps yang meninggal tu orang  lain...maybe depa pakat dgn some ppl to stay away from us because we have been naughty. Mana la  tau kan?  I know it was just a child's version of in denial...

In Mecca...during my umrah...i was praying hard for that opportunity to see mak again.  That hope i carried when i was a child, i took it with me to Mecca. I have heard stories from the holy land that ppl have met long lost friends, saudara mara...di sana....dengan IzinNya...Ya Allah... Yes...nata melilau whenever selepas solat bila dalam ramai2 crowd...bila nak balik hotel, dalam masjid....Dalam diam, berharap dan berdoa semoga diberi peluang untuk menatap wajah mak sekali lagi di sana. Sekejap pun jadilah...

Tanpa disangka, mata berhenti di satu wajah yang seiras wajah yang ku cari sudah bertahun2....hanya sekilas tapi itulah wajahnya...Wajah mak ketika mudanya...bentuk wajahnya, matanya...hidungnya...itu la dia, .terkejut...teruja...gembira,  badan ku seram sejuk, jantung berdegup laju.  Allahu Akbar !!!! Syukur yang teramat...rindu ku pada mak terlerai pada saat itu......ingin ku kongsi kegembiraan dgn kakak yang duduk berhampiran..elok aku memanggil kakak untuk menoleh ke arah sama, wajah mak hilang bersama2 jemaah lain...aku hanya mampu mengalirkan air mata.  'Kenapa?' Tanya kakak.....Aku hanya mampu kata....."mak"....yang lainnya hanya air mata yang mampu menggambarkan perasaan ketika itu.  Kakak diam saja....

Al-fatihah....